Bruce Rauner Suffering From a Rare Form of Lycanthropy

Bitten by a journeyman carpenter with a gypsy curse upon him, former governor Bruce Rauner falls under a sinister spell every month when the moon is full.

“It’s..it’s horrible’  exclaims Diana Rauner. ‘He turns..into a working man..he comes home with..grease on his hands!” Here she breaks down into sobs and can go no further.  For when the moon cycles full, no matter how may precautions are taken, Bruce Rauner finds himself.. working.” Bursting through antique French doors, casting aside ornate tables piled high with sumptous goods, he flees into the night.

“It’s like a nightmare. I’m in this big noisy place with a bunch of people I don;t realy know and ?I;m doing something.. boring. So boring. Over and over. and it’s smelly and ..ad this stuff gets all over my hands.. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.”

At press time all the Carhartts were being removed from the mansion and Mr. Rauner was being sealed up in his wine cellar with nothing but a corkscrew and some nice crackers.