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Defensive Players Will Now Also Run Offensive Scoring Plays

Bears Defense To Play Offense As Well

Citing lack of production from the offense, the Chicago Bears defense has announced they will be taking over the scoring duties as well as the defensive chores.

” I don’t see no offense out there’ said Kahlil Mack, all-pro defensive outside linebacker for the team. ‘ Somebody’s got to take the ball into the end zone. The right end zone. Looks like it’s going to have to be us.”

“Whoever that guy is in the ’10’ jersey, he ain’t gettin’ it done. Looks like it falls to us” chimed in linebacker Roquan Smith. ‘We’ll just take the ball down the field and knock the hell out of anyone who gets in our way.  Cause, hey- that’s what we do.”

Several team members expressed support for Mitch Trubisky, embattled quarterback of the team.

“I’m sure there’s a place in the organization for him’ said safety Eddie Jackson. ‘ I mean, the assistant equipment manager isn’t  getting any younger, you know?”

Satan,  Ed Burke Found  Law Firm

The Prince of Darkness, Satan himself, announced today that he had formed a partnership with alderman Ed Burke of the 14th Ward. The two plan to specialize in tax appeals and zoning cases.

 “I’ve know Red for years’, Burke explained.   ” We run in the same circles and share a number of interests.  In fact, I used to play against him in Catholic League Football when he went to Quigley. “

“Ed is my kind of guy’, the Antichrist gushed. ‘ He sees things my way and , like me, doesn’t let a lot of silly obstacles get in the way of what he wants.” The two plan to rent office space on LaSalle Street and start cheating people of their souls as soon as the license comes through. .

Kenyan did not notice finish area, kept running

2019 Chicago Marathon Women’s champion Brigid Kosgei  apparently did not see the finishing area on Sunday, Oct. 13 and kept running. She is now believed to be in Montana.

“Extrapolating from her times’ spoke race director Cathy   Roberts’ she should have crossed into Iowa about seven hours after the finish line, and assuming the  terrain is dry, should be somewhere in the Great American West by now. “

Emergency vehicles carrying  gatorade have been dispatched.  Anyone seeing an Kenyan woman in running  clothes in the Western wilderness please advise authorities as there is a remote possibility it may be Kosgei.

Bitten by a journeyman carpenter with a gypsy curse upon him, former governor Bruce Rauner falls under a sinister spell every month when the moon is full.

“It’s..it’s horrible’  exclaims Diana Rauner. ‘He turns..into a working man..he comes home with..grease on his hands!” Here she breaks down into sobs and can go no further.  For when the moon cycles full, no matter how may precautions are taken, Bruce Rauner finds himself.. working.” Bursting through antique French doors, casting aside ornate tables piled high with sumptous goods, he flees into the night.

“It’s like a nightmare. I’m in this big noisy place with a bunch of people I don;t realy know and ?I;m doing something.. boring. So boring. Over and over. and it’s smelly and ..ad this stuff gets all over my hands.. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.”

At press time all the Carhartts were being removed from the mansion and Mr. Rauner was being sealed up in his wine cellar with nothing but a corkscrew and some nice crackers.

Today Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced a new initiative for change.  ‘And my change I mean nickles, dimes, quarters people. I’m not kidding. Keep the pennies. We need silver. Chicago is in trouble.”  The Mayor’s Office of Budget and Accounting estimated the amount of loose coins in the couch cushions and easy chairs of Chicago would be enough to pay off the police pension fund, according to Assistant Budget Director Penny Pinchez. ” So dig deep.”

“It is the responsibility of every Chicago household to contribute it’s greasy, forgotten coins tucked dep into the family furniture”, said the Mayor. ” For the sake of our city, I urge you to explore the well-word crevices of your shared heirlooms. You might even find that remote.”

Mayor Lightfoot would  not comment on a rumored project at the University of Illinois the City is underwriting designed to get blood from turnips.